CONTENT FAIL: 2009 Big Movies Feature From EW

I've stayed away from doing regular content features on this blog because too often I see them run dry of good ideas and more or less just end up sucking. So the sheer irony that the first feature I'm implementing is all about Web content that just plain fails.

Below, we have a feature done by Entertainment Weekly in which they offer a slide show of pictures from what they regard as "BIG" movies. The criteria for doing so, I suppose, was left to the person putting it together.

I was intrigued by the two shots of "Where The Wild Things Are" and a very picturesque shot of the new Terminator flick. But overall, the person in charge of the list should be ashamed because "Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience" appears with a ridiculous picture of the boys, um, making music. (But its 3D music so that's apparently significant).



[Source: http://www.ew.com/ew/gallery/0,,20249045_12,00.html]

Pedognome is Watching...

Whilst taking some screenshots for my latest Geeks of Doom Feature about the voice of World of Warcraft's new Hero Class Death Knight, I discovered something... very... odd.

Observe:


Closer:

Palin: It's Simple...

- TechGOnzo

World of Politicraft's New Expansion

A while back you may recall a post about a fundamental change to the way I view government in this country. It happened when the U.S. Department of Intelligence wised the hell up and realized the huge hotbed of criminal activity that calls itself World of Warcraft. Well, after that day everything just became much clearer mostly because I sort of can't tell the difference between the two worlds.

Game reality and the governmental double standard are essentially all jumbled up. Recently it's been really hard to distinguish between them.

I'll try to explain...

With online role playing games, once you hit the top level for your character, interest typically trails off. And true to form I got bored and needed a break from World of Politicraft. It's like, I watched the primaries and after all that excitement, after all the glory...it was just pretty much...meh. This feeling will likely continue until November when a new expansion is released. It's called Wrath of the McCain Campaign and its totally awesome!

See, it's about how this king-demon-old-dude casts darkness across the land because he doesn't know how to use the Internet. Eventually he goes on to create a race of undead patriots who eat lots of hotdogs because nothing else is available. (I'm SO FRIGGIN` PUMPPED!)

Check out this screen shot from the beta tester: (click for larger image)

Yeah, sort of lack luster but don't judge before I explain what's going on. First of all you'll notice that no one else is around in this shot. That's no big deal, I've been assured that other people still exist in WoP. That's good because I have way too much invested into this Country to just up and start a new one where I know nothing at all.

Next you'll notice that McCain doesn't really have a huge chunk of change in his bag. Again not to worry. He's got that covered on two fronts: His smokin` hot mistress is a level 80 CEO-Plastic Warlock and totally hooks him up with gold whenever he needs to go play the slots or feast on human flesh (not hotdogs though). Also, since other people in the game won't have the luxury of a plastic sugar momma, someone from McCain's guild was nice enough to put together a few lists where you can buy more money for next to nothing.

China FTW!
Yeah, I KNOW. Like I thought they were making it up too, but then I checked and it turns out Asians spend their entire lives farming for "cheaper" money so I can buy it for $9.99. The fundamentals of our economy are strong indeed!

Proof:

But then I started getting nervous. I mean, this game is going to be F@&*%#@ AWESOME so naturally it'll attract plenty of new comers that will no doubt annoy the shit out of me. Nothing is more annoying than having to rez in the middle of a raid against the Undead-former middle class Americans. You might consider banning the game entirely, too, unless they make the gameplay insanely difficult for new people so the can't get ahead at all unless they devote, like, their entire lives to working at it. You don't even have to tell them what you're doing. Just use half-truths and refuse to discuss anything when it looks like you might lose. Also, you could really sell the point if you hired on a nooblet to appear in public with you:

- TechGOnzo

What's Cooler than Writing for Geeks of Doom?

Only one thing comes to my mind actually...

That would be telling people you write for Geeks of Doom. If you missed it last week, check out my first-ever post: "Top Ten Warren Ellis Tweets"

http://geeksofdoom.com/2008/06/16/top-10-warren-ellis-tweets/


-TechGOnzo

Wrong but funny: Cracked.com's Daniel O'Brien

With all the needless crap people want you to sift through day after day, one semi-unknown blogger has caught my attention in the same way the greatest page in the universe did years and years ago (before coming out with that crappy Alphabet of Manliness book).

Daniel O'Brien, a blogger at cracked.com has been consistently making me laugh --- mostly during situations where I probably shouldn't be laughing. For instance, at work when people are looking for any excuse to stop what they are doing to inspect the situation, I should not be reading O'Brien's blog. People who want to know what I'm laughing at would not get the humor. It's most likely that they'd avoid me from that point on. I mean how do you explain lines like “You want babies, People Magazine? You want babies!? I’ll give you babies. I’ve got babies pouring out my god damn ass, (it’s a pretty new procedure), and you don’t even need to charge me as much as you charged J-Lo. $5 Million.”

I read three of his blogs before realizing it was the same damn guy. All of those posts mentioned in some way a intense hatred of Hannah Montana.

I know, most of you are probably like, “WTF, what sort of cold-hearted, cretin could hate an innocent 15-year-old pop star?” Well, I don't have an answer. I do know that it's far too funny for me to pick apart. Plus, in an effort to align himself with future greatness, he mentions Chuck Klosterman . (Coincidentally, Klosterman wrote about Cyrus' status as the most popular teen pop star in the world, which effectively makes her “roughly the fourth most powerful person on the planet.")*

Clearly you should be reading this man's nonsense.

Normally I would pull out more random quotes from said articles, but I'll refrain if only to shield my nonexistent readers who are faint of heart. Instead...Here, I link for you. I give you a Cornucopia of O'Brien blogs . Go with the I Will No Longer Have Sex with Tina Fey If She Asks Me To or perhaps the It's Just a Stupid Baby.

-TechGOnzo

*I'm really not sure if that quote is word-for-word accurate because I did not buy that particular issue of Esquire. But I plan on posting about Klosterman soon. Stay tuned legion of nonexistent readers.

Coming Soon: US spies increase queue waiting time

I'm sure many people heard the news that the CIA recently decided Second Life had become a liability and a possible hotbed for terrorists. As ridiculous as this may seem I shrugged it off because Second Life has no real point to it. I mostly think of the whole thing as a refreshingly ineffectual way for legitimate businesses to reach their consumers---not terror cell.

Jokingly, I thought to myself, the next virtual realm they'll invade must be World of Warcraft. Its already a hotbed of tension with its barely understandable abbreviations and violent red text. But, How you would go about distinguishing actual terrorists from 40-something pimply fat guys with too much time on their hands... well that's what made everything so ridiculous.

Then I read this story, which basically says U.S. spies will invade WoW to protect us...

So from now on this is how I choose to view our government:

Yes that's right. Our President---peeved and bored after all his friends were bad and sent home to think about their actions.---has decided to bridge the gap between establishment and citizens. Now, not even distance will keep our president from his good friends Rummy, Alberto, Scooter, Tom Delay, MC Rove...and the rest of the crew. (Of course they would play horde side since the Alliance are all N00blet sissies.)

But what will the new GOPwnage Guild do during down time when the terrorists refuse to log into PvP because they have shitty gear and no time to play?

Well I've come up with a pretty good idea of how they will fill their time....Picture below:
-TechGOnzo

More proof at&t is pure evil...

Here's a screen shot of my conversation with the at&t Web site "interactive agent":

Cat-strodaumous death predictor...

In reference to CNN's report about the kitty who can sense or "predict" death, I must call bullshit.

Check it out here.

I understand it's considered a common practice for *ahem* serious news organizations to run the occasional feature story, but this is just utter nonsense.

If the Kitty Harbinger story runs on magazine style broadcasts (e.g. Dateline) on Sunday night, then I'd probably find this interesting. However, this particular nonsense ran on the morning reel for CNN and Headline news.

I hear our constitution is on life support so maybe we should ask the kitty if it's going to die soon.

Just a thought.

Funding well spent

There are some ridiculously large sums of money that are well spent by the government even if it is viewed by most of the public as "wasted."

If they want to spend a couple of billion dollars on a SERIOUS project, that's fine. If it doesn't perform exactly how its intended to do? G'head, throw some more money at it. Still not working?

Well then it better provide for hilarious comedy, like the money our government spent on these Homeland Security signs.

This misuse of government funding is only funny because it wasn't suppose to be. And they spent an ass load of money on it. If you have about ten minutes to giggle uncontrollably, check this site out.

Yes that's right, Tubes.

Don't listen to the propaganda machine known as VH1

It feels like the '70s today. And I say this will a great deal of disdain. I hate that decade with a fiery passion. Its my least favorite of all. But after walking into a H.G. Hills Food Store in a lower income area of Franklin, it seems like I took a ride in Doc Brown's Delorean.

The whole reason I wound up in this place is because I wanted to be a good coworker and contribute to the coffee supplies that keep us all running during the week. We ran out of fake sugar so I took it upon myself to run across the street and get some...That was when this feeling of faux deja vu started.

Its not like I know much about the '70s since I sure the hell never lived in it. But the all too tacky vibe of a decade lacking computers seems eerily familiar. This grocery store is an example of that. I don't think any design work has been done on it in at least 30 years. The smells, well it just smelled like no one really gave a shat anymore.

Since I had no cash to buy my "aspartame sweetener," (they were out of equal) I had to use credit. I fully expected them to pull out the old school card swiper that imprints the account numbers on carbon copy paper.

But then I saw that they had a machine. It was archaic in itself and when it asked for confirmation it read: Type in you 'Secret Code'

And then I proceeded to take my receipt and get the heck out of there.

I hate the '70s.

TS